A long drive ahead with both of my hands firmly gripping the
steering wheel of my car, my little mind in the land of the wandering and
pondering, I was suddenly struck by the thought that as surely as my hands were
firmly guiding my car, they were certainly NOT guiding my life. In retrospect,
my life is a mess. Complete failures seem to mark its every twist and turn. I
sat there in my driver's seat presenting, to the One who's hands guide my
life's steering wheel since long ago, every failure—of life-changing proportions—I
had ever experienced: college—twice, jobs—several in sight of a single year,
missions—barely, family—my fair share, friendships—more than I care to count,
and dating—let’s not even go there. I wasn't planning on counseling with God
that day about all that is train-wrecked in my life, but tears started
pouring down my face as I recollected how in the midst of all those
failures I had found a hope to cling to; a "supposed reason" of
greater good that I thought God must
have been striving to attain and yet, even
these were failures or never existed in the first place! "So what God was the
point? Not only did all the plans and dreams I thought you were leading me to
failed, but even the things I thought
you were going to bring out of the rubble as a redemption, failed as well! Why?
For the past several years, plan after plan has failed while only partial
successes—giving only a portion of the happiness I seek—have barely survived.
Through all this, what did You want me to see? What did You want me to learn?
What is all of this pain for? I have prayed "Thy Will be done" again
and again, from the bottom of my heart, in the midst of it all, and still,
years later, what do I have to show for it?"
Suffering is a two-way tool. God uses it and so can we. God uses
suffering to teach us and to show us what love is; we use it to declare our
love to Him and to unite our sufferings to His to glorify God as Christ's Body
and Church. Suffering is a language of love, but sometimes we don't recognize
it as such. Punishment results in suffering so we sometimes think that God
is disappointed in us or that He is allowing
suffering because we deserve it. But it is not that God wants us to
be in agony, He is trying to teach us that: to love is to suffer. After all,
how special would real love be if there was no pain, no suffering, no trial to
overcome? Love would be as easy to give as it is to eat an ice-cream cone—pure
enjoyment and painless! Sometimes, God allows suffering as a teaching tool when
our agonies are self-inflicted. We tell ourselves that we will not be happy,
will not conquer life's trials, will not be able to LIVE until "X"
happens, but we forget that our view is about as clear as the sun is easy
weigh. We cannot possibly know what is truly best for us at any given point in
time or even as an overall whole! As God tries to lead us to extreme happiness,
the Evil One is trying to lead us to extreme anguish. Yet Jesus says in Matthew
6:33 "But seek FIRST His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these
things shall be yours as well."(to see what else will be given to you,
look at the verses before number 33.) Seek first... as in, "Thy Kingdom
come, Thy Will be done" ....FIRST! As in, yes, before our needs and desires are fulfilled.
“Thy Will be done” is hard. It's really hard when our own little
agendas and desires and so called "needs" crop up. But like Matthew
6:32 says, God already knows we need these things (food, clothes, etc.) He
KNOWS! ....He knows.... So
relax and don't worry about your needs! The God who created you to have these
needs already knows what you truly need. Jesus goes on in Matthew 7:11 "If
you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much
MORE will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask
Him!" So is it wrong to ask for things when Our Father in Heaven already
knows our needs? No, surely our pleas upon His merciful heart must be like
sweet affections to Him as we humble ourselves and allow Him to be our Father,
to seek to win our hearts, to pour His blessings out upon His children who ask
for His love and kindness! How much sweeter is the aid a parent can give to a
child who asks for help than to a child who makes no mention of his or her
needs, seeks no help, nor gives any thanks?
In all things be thankful for you do not—cannot—know what the Father is doing. And pray with endless hope
because God is not finished with you or His plan for you! He is still working; still striving to give you as much happiness as you will allow Him time
and freedom to give you.
So how much suffering will you endure now, so that the Father
can complete His great work in your life and teach you how to truly
love? How much faith and hope will you trust in Him even when there seems to be
no tangible reason for faith, hope, and trust? How much time will you give Him
so that He can work on giving you the extreme happiness He so longs to give you? I would
suggest: all of it.
"I am poured out like water....." Psalm 22:14-31
